Finding Your Own Strength
How to become independent
During a job interview, a candidate is asked if she always dares to speak her mind. Her answer is: “That depends on whether I feel safe.”
On one hand, this is logical, but on the other, I would argue the opposite is true. When you carry yourself with confidence, you dare to say anything. You shift from a passive, dependent position to an active, independent one. Yes, that’s easier said than done.
My experience with being bullied
We see this same phenomenon with bullying. Many children who are bullied allow it to happen. That sounds harsh, but it is unfortunately the reality. Of course, it is not okay for children to bully others, but there will always be kids who take pleasure in tormenting their peers. The bullied child only has real influence over one person: themselves.
I speak from experience, as I was bullied a great deal as a child. I was the youngest and smallest in my elementary school class. I was bullied from age five until I was eleven. It only stopped when I literally fought back. Not because I was strong or because hitting solved anything, but because I had changed as a child. I projected a different energy, and because of that, the bullying stopped. I wasn’t someone to be messed with anymore.
So, it took a long time before I could change myself. To stop being afraid. To make the conscious choice to not be a pushover anymore. To ensure I was no longer a victim. This change had to happen within me because a different school, a different class, or even an entirely new set of classmates wouldn’t have made this enormous difference. I had to do it alone.
The role of parents and guides
The more others tried to shield me from the bullying, the less I learned to change myself. Of course, you sometimes need help and protection, but it’s important for guides to realize that their role is to help the bullied child find their own strength—to make that conscious choice to change their energy. Something must shift within the victim for the change to be sustainable.
You could enroll the child in a martial arts class, and that might be the spark for change. It’s not that fighting is the solution, but it can be the catalyst that makes the child suddenly feel strong enough to stand up for themselves. It’s about finding what works for that specific child. Trying different things. Letting the child discover it for themselves. Making it clear that they, too, have a responsibility.
This does not mean the bullied child is at fault for the other children’s behavior, but rather that they have a choice to no longer accept it. This doesn’t mean the bullying will stop immediately, but once that choice is made, it makes a world of difference.
My message, from my own life experience, is that you must change on the inside to make a difference. You must find the lever within yourself and pull it. It’s a deep realization that ‘things have to change,’ followed by the conscious decision that ‘things will change.’ Period.
The same applies to feeling safe
Returning to the job interview example, I contend the same principle applies. Feeling safe should not depend on your environment. At least, not in normal situations like a job interview or a standard work setting. (Feeling unsafe on the London metro at night is a different matter altogether.)
If you don’t feel inherently secure in a job interview, then you have ‘some work to do.’ It’s not helpful to be dependent on the interviewers’ behavior. But again, the key lies in ‘how you carry yourself.’ What you project. The energy you radiate and how the interviewers can’t help but respond to it.
Because when you project confidence, the interviewers will, in almost all cases, respond in kind and provide a safe space. This may be a profound insight, one you can benefit from in countless situations, as it applies to so many things in life. You are truly in the driver’s seat, but it’s easier said than done.
How do you start?
You won’t master this overnight. You will have to practice and push through uncomfortable emotions. If you are scared and/or feel insecure and you choose to start this process anyway, it will be painful. But you will learn from it; you’ll get to know yourself better and grow stronger each time.
Step by step, you will get closer to the moment when your whole world changes because you can now show up in it differently. That feels so good. So powerful. So authentically you. You have so much incredible potential, and I wish for everyone to discover that power and become their true self.
This isn’t just about being afraid of bullying or feeling insecure; it also applies to public speaking, initiating a friendship, improving at a sport, or kicking an addiction. It’s a deep awareness that something inside you can change, allowing you to connect with your core and from that place, reinvent yourself and step powerfully into the world.
I hope this essay helps you realize that you are always the one who can initiate this change and that you have the potential to achieve it. After the realization, it comes down to practice and discovery. Once you grasp it, it stays with you forever. Best of luck.
